Jail Time

I saw something on Plaxico Burress and it got me thinking - where do you masterbate in prison? I mean, because the bars in your cell don't keep out prying eyes. Is it just a commonly accepted thing that people beat it in their transparent cells for everyone else to see? And does it count as bad behavior? I'm imagining someone doing everything else right, but not getting out early because he beat it all the time in his cell. This would seem both comical and unfair to me.

All Lamb

I felt bad that you guys have been stuck reading My Neck My Blog the last few days so I decided to post one last mini post (but this is it I promise).

Last summer I went to a festival with Actual God and he left his little tote bag in my trunk. A couple days after the festival I got an email asking me to send it to him in New York. It seemed kind of odd that I had to rush AG a wimpy little tote bag so I decided to take a small peek at its contents without telling him. Expecting to see a plethora of valuables I was taken aback by what was inside - one toothbrush and six or seven lambskin condoms.

New Beginnings

I just want to say thanks for reading over the years. I'm 25 now which means that if I keep on blogging, people who didn't already will start to think I'm gay. I'm not ready to give up on chicks just yet. I've decided to stop going to the strip club and become more mature in general. Maybe give this girlfriend thing a chance. That said, this will be my final post on mulatto. If you take anything away from the blog it should be these famous last words: blogs and girls don't mix - I love you all!

P.s. I realize this means you'll have to read more My Neck My Blog and I'm sorry for that. Maybe take up a hobby instead.

And now a fitting send off video.

Subways and Qdobas

I don't know if anybody else has this, but in addition to "I'm going bald anxiety," "My penis is too small anxiety," and "Oh man I have to talk to people anxiety," I also have "Line anxiety."

It's at its peak when coupled with one of the other anxieties mentioned above. Like if I were ever to have to stand in line and show my penis...that would be pretty bad. Subways and Qdobas are especially bad because I have to talk to a guy and tell him what I want on my sub or burrito and wait in line at the same time.

When I got to the end of the line at Qdoba today the chick making my burrito, after wrapping it all up, said "Happy Cinco de Mayo!"

I was caught off guard as I was not expecting to have to respond to a Holiday Greeting. Perhaps my panicked response sounded a little too flirty.

"I...uh...uh...Gracies. That's what they say right."

I guess it was causal enough because she said "De nada" without skipping a beat. What happened next has never happened to me before.

The alpha male at the register gave me a, "You should get her number dude." It wasn't clear if she heard or not. I thought I was being clever so I whispered, "You get her number man, you've got the inside track." This only made him turn around and yell, "Hey (Inaudible), this guy want's your number!" I didn't know what to do. I didn't want her number. I just wanted to stop being in line. I cracked a smile and said to both of them, "Take it easy, guys," and walked out of the store.

Cable News Responds

CNN really cares deeply about the Swine Flu. They sent the following response directly to my email...

Dear Mr. Tibbs,

Thank you for your inquiry. As you know, we have been bombarded with many swine flu related questions and apologize for any delay in getting to yours. To answer your question, it stopped being okay to smack it to Kirk Cameron in 1991. Consistent with your suggestion, we at CNN would duly condone moving on to Zac Effron. We hope our advice keeps you safe in the coming weeks and months.

Sincerely,

Mr. ***** ********
CNN
Swine Flu Deparment

CNN Answers Our Concerns

I just submitted a swine-flu question I had to CNN's Facebook webpage. Hopefully they'll post an answer soon.

MJ: Please forward this message to your Swine Flu Q&A department for IMMEDIATE consideration.

Qustion: Recently I have been washing my hands BOTH before AND after I beat off (to Kirk Cameron). Is this in fact a good idea, or is it time to start beating off to Zac Effron?

Sincerely,

Mr. Tibbs

Life During The Swine Flu Pandemic

Mulatto Jesus, after watching 45 minutes of CNN, leaves his shelter only to go to Little Caesars Pizza, a task necessary for his daily survival.

Inside Little Caesars...

Teenage Girl Employee (estimated age: 17; happy; smiling): Welcome to Little Caesars, how may I help you!

MJ: Listen, fucking answer this question before I run back to my car: HAVE YOU BEEN TO MEXICO IN THE LAST 2 MONTHS?

TE: Uh, no...the pizza slices are fresh out of the oven though!

MJ (Momentarily forgetting about swine flu): Ahh fresh slices, that sounds pretty good...

MJ (Remembering swine flu; snaps back into character): WAIT A MINUTE. HAS ANYONE WHO WORKS HERE BEEN TO MEXICO??

TE (Slightly less enthusiastic): I don't (beat) think so. So do you want the slices or not?

MJ (Again forgetting about swine flu at the mention of fresh slices): Oh yeah, I'll take three. And do you have any of that crazy bread...

MJ (Remembering SF): JUST ONE MINUTE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT THE AGE OF A HIGH SCHOOL SPRING BREAKER. WHERE DID YOU GO ON SPRING BREAK?

TE (Breaking down): I, I, I had to work. My d-d-dad lost his job so I didn't get to go to Cancun with all my friends.

MJ: A HA! I can't be near you. You could have Swine Flu!

TE (In tears): Swine Flu? Do you still want the slices sir?

MJ (So obviously conflicted): Just, uh, put those tasty slices and crazy bread in a bag, leave them on the counter, here's my credit card, give it a swipe and hand it back to me, I'll sign the receipt...do it quickly because I have to go to the drug store and buy some Tamiflu.

TE: Wait, do you want any Crazy Sauce?

MJ: Of course, medium spicy.